BLUE BRICK ROAD

new blog home

2012-01-27T18:55:00.001-07:00

http://nauramama.blogspot.com

40 days of thankfulness (day 2.5 gah!)

2011-10-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

1. i am thankful for my husband.
2. i am thankful for my son.

i already missed a day of blogging! ha. i was going to post something about jake but he probably distracted me.

40 days of thankfulness (day 1 con't)

2011-10-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

My husband and I met in 1995 in high school. we were in band together. we were good friends. we've been dating since 2000. I can say that we've taken care of each other through thick and thin. even though his job keeps us apart we are deeply together in spirit. I am most thankful for his love and dedication he shows to me and the family. He wouldn't get married to me unless he was able to provide for us, and back then while I was waiting for him, I felt that he was being selfish. I felt like he had put his needs over mine... but I was very wrong.

I love you so much.

40 days of thankfulness (day 1)

2011-10-10T07:59:00.002-07:00

1. i am thankful for my husband.

2 calendar months left (eep)

2011-09-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

two calendar months left before little one makes an appearance. I guess I am going to be as ready as I can be.

jake's learning - he no longer wants to learn his ABC's, he wants to learn everything else! His favorite right now are motion songs and I may get sick of spinning if I have to dance Libby Loo one more time. HAHA.

new laptop, new 'school' year?

2011-08-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I finally got a new laptop to replace the 2006 vaio so hopefully there will be more updates to come as I can 'shoo' jake away to use the computer and while he is entranced by the 'newer' toy I can use the computer instead.

Well we've started jake on startfall. it was kind of an accident that has ballooned in to an obsession with letters and phonics... so i'm kind of just going with his flow. he absorbs so much information! I am a little worried about over doing it but as long as he enjoys it I've decided to stand back and watch him blossom.

I guess I didn't realize it would be this soon that he would be interested in learning letters, i thought he would still be the little nursline who would rather be playing with toys or something.

ahh well I am reminded how time will pass quickly and before I blink one, two, three more times, he'll be in highschool or something and I will be looking back thinking about my little man who wanted desperately to learn his ABCs.

three months down

2011-08-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

well paul has been gone for three months, I had to print out his orders to get free membership to the YMCA and I broke down. its kind of weird how you get reminded of your situation...

signed jake up for swim classes today :) so excited - except that now I have to get swim shorts. LOL. I totally forgot. hopefully I find some on sale :)

the name game

2011-08-09T04:06:00.001-07:00

i think we've finally decided on a name for zombie bean.

myka elina (erina)

we don't know if we want to use the R or the L for romanizing the japanese. we are currently leaning towards the L but I can't shake the fact that it's supposed to be japanese and an R. it'll have kanji in place too so no big deal but i do feel like why even give her a japanese name?

whoops its august

2011-08-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

again, I have neglected my blog... its august first today. i used my fingers and determined that I only have 3 and a half months till i am a mama of two. er.. I am totally NOT ready, i think I have 5 outfits for her, but I have cloth diapers till she potty trains! LOL.

jake has seen me hold my friend's 1 month old, to which he was unphased. he got to hold her too. he was very intrigued with the baby and even situated himself and put his arms out to tell us he wanted to hold her again. *melt*. although i think he wasn't too impressed in the end... he wouldn't give her a bye bye kiss. maybe he just didn't want to say bye bye. I was bottle feeding her and he came to help. he saw her nursing a few times but hasn't really connected that his mama would have to nurse his sister yet. I don't know what is going to happen if he finds out he would have to share his booboob... but he has surprised me so far so i guess I have nothing to worry about.

we went to legoland with the cousins. it was so great to see them and to continue the cousin tradition. they are third cousins :)

i'm going to make a trip to babies r us to find some organic clothes.

thoughts and prayers for my friend and her new baby mark chandler who was born yesterday at 27/28 weeks. I know you're a fighter bud and I can't wait to see you soon when we visit fayetteville.

my thoughts on independence

2011-07-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

cross posted from an API status comment:

honestly i don't think humans were ever made to be 'independent'. we as human beings have always relied on the family/friends/village dynamic which has helped us thrive for more than a millenia. we have healthy dependencies like affection/acknowledgment from parents when you are young and from those experiences you learn to foster a positive relationship with family, friends, then society, then with your partner as you grow older, then your own children, grandchildren, etc. its not just the mother child relationship that it damages, this push for independence could damage future relationships too. sure, research has shown that attachment can be refostered after 5 years but in this age how many married couples divorce with in 5 years?

i went to a birthday party for a friend's son, as my son bounced in the bounce house with about 5 other children he had never met who mostly spoke spanish, i realized I had never left him without me or my husband for more than an hour and now its time for him to leave, smiling amongst strangers.

(not) renlisting

2011-07-17T17:36:00.000-07:00

my husband has talked about many different options for the next reenlistment - he has even talked about not reenlisting. I'm so nervous about this. people might think why?! you've got kids! you've got deployments! you've got PCSes. now its time to settle down. sure. we got all that... I know we should settle down...

but in the end I know who my husband was before he joined the military and after. I know he misses jake. he'll miss lil bean's birth, but that is a year in the life vs. a life time in the military. I was worried sure, but he is such a wonderful father. he missed 10 months of jake's first 2 years, but you would never know it when they are together. now he is deployed again... when jake turns three he will be gone more than half his life but they still have a connection and they are amazing together and I know that relationship will continue. honestly, I think he will miss military life even more. garrison life with family for him is the ultimate life. It is for me too. sure, deployment sucks, PCSing sucks, but the friends i've made along the way has been more than worth it.

I know in the end it'll be alright whatever he chooses for his future, but I think I would be sad in a bittersweet way. This has been a VERY amazing 5 years and we are in it for another 3.

weaning

2011-07-10T22:36:00.001-07:00

from the sewing machine... and jake weaning....

I think jake is on his way to wean completely (for now). he doesn't nap anymore, which I'm not pushing it because he is not fussy or anything... so that has cut out 1 nursing time.. then he falls asleep at night no problem... so another nursing time cut out. he doesn't even ask in the mornings anymore hardly. its kind of uneventful and sad at the same time. I know this can all change when miss zombie bean arrives... but even tonight I went to see a friend's 10 day old baby, I held her and he responded very warmly to her. not at all jealous or anything. he just came and stroked her softly. very cool.

another sad note, my sewing machine died. I got a lecture from my local sewing shop about 'costco' machines. well I guess I won't be going back there anymore.. and I think I'm gonna go buy another costco machine. /rude my dad is trying to fix the other machine but we are finding it hard to find parts for it. sigh.

crafty,

2011-06-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

My sister and I are pushing for a crafty weekend, starting with buying some fabric at joann's and sewing up McCall's 6327 for her and some maternity tops for me. I've also found the wooly wonder website's yardage posts and a lot of the yarn spin should be enough for newborn to 0-3 wool covers. I got to get that started.

so I'm gonna get sewing soon!

stubborn? heck yes.

2011-06-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

its semi-semi- official that paul won't be able to make it to the birth. I've already set a network of helpers which I know I will be ok between them and my dad... but I am REALLY hesitant to ask my mom or paul's mom. am I stubborn? yes. should I just 'bow down' to their will and let them help? maybe... maybe not.

this was a huge factor in why I decided to homebirth. I need a better chance at a quicker recovery and to get back on my feet. not that its a 100% sure thing, but I'm hoping having a more natural birth will help me get back on my feet quicker so I don't have to deal with 'help'.

not to mention that I really want to get breastfeeding to a good start this time and people just stress me out. I'm a I can do this myself type of girl. am I scared that I can't? maybe. I've never had a toddler and a newborn....

good groove and good fiber.

2011-06-18T21:09:00.001-07:00

it's taken a month a d a half but I think I am more in the groove now. I am eating out less (once a day now as opposed to twice a day which I am trying to cut it down to three times a week now).

I've been making a lot of yarn and I need to start knitting/crocheting! :) I am also debating getting a jumbo flyer. I'm finding that I like navajo plying. I plied the yarn paul got me from alaska in to a 3 ply and i LOVE it. I have no clue what I'll make out of it though. I also have 4 oz of teal and purple merino to spin in to 2 ply DK. I'm debating whether to add the purple to the gray/cranberry to make a soaker and use the teal for a headband... or to use the teal for the soaker. I'll see how I feel.

I need to get working. ;D

peace.

2011-06-13T16:27:00.004-07:00

for a while I've been a peace with myself and I really love it. I thought I would share this little bit that I commented on my friend's facebook regarding her decision to curtail breastfeeding and go back to work.

you can scour the intewebs for all the information you want, but the only person you truly need to be at peace is with yourself. I am peace with myself right now and its a better place than being at peace at an LLL meeting, being at peace on an AP forum, or at peace because I'm surrounded by friends who support me. yea, so I nurse my 27 month old *gasp* not because an article says its beneficial, nor do I second guess myself because someone comments about how I would probably be nursing him till college. I do it because its a pain in the ass to get him to sleep otherwise.

its true. for a while now I've just been fed up with all the mom wars. a few months of that was enough for me. I really love where I am at mothering wise and I don't need anyone to bash me in to this small little existence just because they don't agree with me. personally through, I am a breastfeeding advocate, a babywearing advocate, and cloth diapering advocate... but above all that I think I'm a inner peace advocate. I advocate these things not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because it's been right for me and someone else could feel the same way about it but not know anything about it... after all I was in the same situation. well, I grew up watching my brother and sisters being breastfed, but my good friend jenny introduced me to babywearing and cloth diapering. I am so glad she did. then she told me about AP and with my views on breastfeeding, that came together.

I have more friends now cloth diapering than not... and a few more on the way. how cool is that! people ask me about babywearing when they see me out at the dog park. yea! I love it.

I hope all the mamas out there find this inner peace I've achieved. It was a bumpy road... starting with the whole circumcision fiasco with my husband, needing to supplement when jake was 2 weeks old, to accepting that I wouldn't really be able to feed him 100% organic like I wanted, to the issues about feeding him sweets while I stuffed my face with goodies (LOL). I'm definitely not mothering like I had envisioned, but I think thats what it was... a vision... now I am truly the mother i was MEANT to be!!! YAY!!!!!!

culture gap.

2011-06-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

my husband is fourth generation japanese and I happen to be second generation.... and its becoming apparent on our name choices for the little girl. a lot of japanese americans who have been here since the early 1900s love old classic japanese names like emiko, sachiko, sachie, etc.

I just don't like antiquated Japanese names... also growing up with a japanese name that no one could pronounce, a japanese name that can easily be said in english is also important to me... but paul's choices are nothing but!

some of his choices are:

tomoe
akane

my choices are:

erina
arisa

erina kate is at the top of the list. what also kills me is that it seems like everyone likes it (japanese and american friends) except my own husband. I hope we can get this figured out. I'm gonna go look at some books on japanese names soon to come up with a classic with a new twist.

worries.

2011-06-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

now that the anticipation has worn away, anxiety is kicking in. I had problems breastfeeding jake when paul went back to iraq back in 2009. I'm so afraid that I am going to have a repeat and this time I won't be able to go back to exclusively breastfeeding #2 like I was able to with jake. I had problems because I was stressed but I didn't know. I guess this time I know my body better so I'll start relaxing before paul leaves to go back. I know #2 will be jaundiced (95% of asian babies are) too.

well on another note I was JUST watching a sears commercial and there is a couple with a mom... BABYWEARING her baby in a wrap carrier! LOL. I don't know why but I found that kind of funny and exciting!

girl!

2011-06-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

ayeeee. I am so excited. I had our gender ultrasound yesterday and waited till paul got online for to find out! so at 5 am this morning we found out we are having a GIRL!

I am excited, on cloud nine, ecstatic and then guilty! I didn't feel this excited at Jake's gender ultrasound. that time I was blindsided by my emotion. I *thought* i wanted a boy forever. afraid of my own 'non-girlishness' and reflecting my husband's desire for a boy (although I'm pretty sure it wasn't as strong as how I feel about having a girl), I hoped, wished, prayed, for a boy. when the ultrasound tech announced the sex, I felt my spirit leave my body and ask again if she was sure if the baby was a boy. in my mind I didn't even know why I was asking again. why wasn't I happy? I cried in the car, gathered myself and called paul where he did a 'little dance' in Iraq.

I should add, there was no dancing in afghanistan when I told paul #2 was a girl. HA!

also I had this feeling of family 'completeness' that people talk about that came out of nowhere. I've always thought i wanted a big family - at least 4 kids. I even talked to my sister right after the ultrasound about having huge family get together once we settle where all the cousins and aunts, uncles and family friends would gather. I would cook, kids would sleep in sleeping bags on the floor while adults snoozed on the couch... but once I saw that this baby was a girl, I immediately thought that THIS IS IT! I don't have to have anymore kids.

wow I am so full of emotion that I didn't think I was feeling. It is insane but it matters so much and I don't think people should deny it. yea, it is important to me. even much more than I thought. I'm not going to hide behind my emotions. I am so freaking happy that #2 is a girl. doesn't mean that I love him more or less :)

update

2011-05-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

well i must really getting hormonal or something because things that usually don't bother me are making life very difficult... one of them being visiting my grandmother. I understand that they are at home, lonely with nothing to do but they honestly bring it upon themselves. they are (to them) too old to do anything, yet their friends volunteer, go out, come visit them despite their old age.

pathetic.

well i've been caught in the middle of this pity party and I go visit them at least three times a week - which according to people I know is too much. which I agree with. first, there is the hypocritical BS. my grandmother thinks I have a condition called 'pregnancy' and that I should be home ridden EXCEPT when it comes to visiting her (duh, right?). second of all, every time i visit they don't acknowledge me when I come in. its all about jake. which gets under my skin. I am the one who drove there, brings him to their house because i 'feel bad' for them... well fuck that i guess. thirdly, they hover over jake which mentally drains me the most. I was raised that way and for sure I am NOT going to raise my son that way! last of all when I can't stand it anymore and I announce that I am leaving, they try their best to keep me there. they give me guilt trips even if i have been regularly visiting every other fucking day for the past three weeks. It simply makes me not want to come back. I've mentioned to my grandmother about this. she just said that it makes me happy when you come visit... well I fucking know that but you make my stay hell (well i said that in a nicer way of course)! then she said, well come when you are less stressed. wtf? you are the one who stresses me out. well, whatever i guess. I am going to try to cut down on visiting them. I figure I just cut down the length of time I stay.

other than that, things are doing ok. we have stayed busy mostly with la leche, meeting up old friends, practicing retail therapy, and crafting (don't tell my grandma that! lol). I just sent along the first few care packages packed with snacks. I haven't made yarn in a while. i'm itching to but i'm all out of fiber. I sm waiting till next month to buy any, since I had to buy glasses thanks to a certain 2 year old. i've been able to talk to paul for about 30 minutes once a day from the MWR. i get pretty good updates from the squadron chaplain on facebook too. he says its ok out there but its certainly not the hilton. lol. of course its not, silly man!

normalcy

2011-05-19T04:22:00.000-07:00

I went to the art zone yesterday. I loved it. it is the coolest place ever for a kid. it has a wet room where kids can play with water and mud, art projects galore, and a cool play room with costumes and a hanging bridge.

there as i saw the other moms with the slings, moms nursing in the play room (4 of them at once - all ages), and the organic snacks served towards the end, i realized that i'm just 'that mom'.

i never saw my parenting methods as an identity (i just do it because its just the way it is to me), but being around mothers who parent the same way i guess is starting to shape me as who I AM. i can't really explain it well. its not a feeling of relief or anything, but maybe the feeling that simply doing what i feel is right is alright. maybe a sense of normalcy.

i remember now when monica said about how she wanted to move to california and i never really understood it. i hate living here. i hate how people were generally cold, out for themselves, smooshed in such itty bitty space with no where to move but always on the go and downright rude... but in that two hours at the art zone, i kind of understood what she was trying to convey. i was kind of surrounded in a pocket of air - a pocket of normalcy. it felt good to breath, breath in who i have become as a mother. i thought about monica quite often yesterday. i wish she, scotty and mimi had been there with me, i know they would have enjoyed it so much.

that mom.

2011-05-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

still a work in progress...

i'm that mom that slings her child,
you're that mom who wonders if i have to sling him off to college.

i'm that mom that nurses her toddler at night,
you're that mom who wonders how I get any sleep.

i'm that mom that never spanks her child,
you're that mom who wonders how I'll ever discipline my child.

i'm that mom who bedshares with her child.
you're that mom who wonders how my child hasn't died of suffocation.

handspun, handknit.

2011-05-15T16:33:00.002-07:00

just finished my first handspun handknit project and I am in love. I don't really know what compelled me to actually finish the project but I did!

now I am moving on to spinning some more yarn and knitting.

i will be 14 weeks on tuesday. i am thinking about getting the gender ultrasound soon. my sister has agreed too go with me. :)

deployment.

2011-05-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

so it has officially begun. paul left for afganistan a few days ago. i've gotten a phone call already. thank goodness for technology. poor jake sometimes remembers dada especially when we are about to go somewhere. he'll remind me that dada is missing from the equation. when i tell him he is at work it seems to calm him. we are adjusting pretty well.

I will be 13 weeks tomorrow. i seem to be having an aversion to meats, notably chicken. I constantly wonder if this one is a girl... this pregnancy is so different from jake's.

more silly kennel drama.

2011-05-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

you'd think that the kennel drama we had with delts in fayetteville was enough, but we had kennel drama with alaska air in fairbanks with the kennel we flew kitty kat in (wtf is my question here). our AIRLINE APPROVED (with a sticker that had a thumbs up and a plane on it) kennel which flew on an alaska flight to fairbanks, was not good enough. BUT I will have to give them props. while delta stranded us and delayed us for a whole day with their 'we can't do anything about it so fuck off attitude', alaska air had extra kennels available and they sold it to us at retail price. they also washed the bowls for your furbabies so it'll be clean for them. i'd choose to fly alaska again.

honesty

2011-04-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

paul said, I don't know. it sounds bad but, you know, you make it easy for me to leave.

It had always been a concern for me why I am not so emotional over his departure. If I loved him so much shouldn't I feel more upset? my husband opened my eyes when he said this to me. Love isn't measured by how upset I get for my husband doing his job. love isn't measured by how much I 'sacrifice' myself for making his job easier for him. Love is measured by honesty. If I was being upset and making it hard for him to go, I know he would have told me that, as much as I would tell him that I did not want him to go.

even after knowing each other for 16 years and being married for 5, each day is full of new discoveries.

middle.

2011-04-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

the other day paul was talking about how I am a sarah palin hater. I never hated her, I thought she was quirky thus easy to make fun of, but I never hated her. I actually wished I had cable to watch her show but it wasn't like I was going to go out of my way to watch it online or anything. She has interested me for sure when I watched a special somewhere on how she took down corruption in the alaska state government. I do applaud her for that 'maverick-ness'. also on the flip side, I know for some of my liberal friends I fall in to the conservative side. my own husband doesn't see me as I am politically. I found it hilarious.

Politically I never fit anywhere...

deployment...

2011-04-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

we knew this was going to happen... but when the big D sneaks up on you, it always sucks. I don't know how I am 'ok' with this, but I had a good 3 minute cry and I was fine.

sometimes I wonder if not being emotional about it is ok. I've been distancing myself from facebook even. just concentrating on matters at hand.

now there is a possibility that paul could stay state side for 60 days. I hate these 'possibilities'. they are so vague. now we need a place to stay for 2 months. then decide what to do with the car and all our stuff. I'm going crazy inside. I just want to know what to expect.

to alaska we go.

2011-04-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

so on saturday we will be hopping on a plane to move across the country. I'm really really really excited. more updates later. I should be cleaning :)

jake turns 2.

2011-03-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

jake turned 2!

he had a clown cone. we had ice cream cake. we bought books and wooden trains.

You might be a counterculture mama if...

2011-03-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

I never thought as myself as 'different' but I guess I am.

lol.

I read this and most of the stuff applies to me! I kind of feel sad! how did I become such a 'different' kind of mom?

http://www.mamaeve.com/index.php/general-parenting/204-might-be-a-counterculture-mama-if/

decaf?

2011-02-24T14:39:00.004-07:00

The tea bags that paul bought me were accidentally... DECAF! we had a good laugh.

I'm 30 :D

2011-02-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

today is my birthday and I feel so blessed. Life can't be any better.

so I had a quesadilla with a mixture of sour cream and roasted tomato salsa (from taco bell YUM.) and a milk tea for breakfast. I was thinking about just random stuff when this thought came in to my head. Paul picked up the sour cream since he were talking about making tacos even though it didn't come to my mind. He also 'picked up' the extra packets from taco bell since I was majorly addicted to them. when I took Jake to the bathroom at the market, he remembered to pick up the tea bags since I was on my last ones. He even picked up the cup I was using since he knew I get annoyed when the dishwasher isn't full when I run it. I should also mention the cottage cheese and beets he picks up for me. I usually forget because I'm the only one that eats it regularly so its never on my mind. when the mallowmars are actually at the commissary, he nudges me to buy three boxes instead of just one since they are seasonal.

all these things he does for me and it doesn't even have to be my birthday...

so really, today is like any other day for me! I requested rib eye for dinner... but doesn't have to be my birthday for me to have it once in a while. It just has to be on sale. :)

return of the [grrl] badhairday

2011-02-04T09:04:00.001-07:00

Like almost a decade ago, paul and I used to play this game called Day of Defeat. It was a half life mod, one of the original WW2 style multiplayer FPS games (alpha released in 2000). We loved it. I definitely played it much more than counter strike. It required more teamwork, more strategy, and it was more fun (i.e easier to kill someone with a spade than it was to kill someone with a knife in CS)!

well we became regulars on this sever called the Knights of the Round Table. (http://www.kortclan.com) We played regularly for I think about a year maybe two until our life got consumed in WoW. then we stopped playing much. Steam was uninstalled to make room for the ridiculous file size requirements WoW patches needed....

BUT, these friends were never forgotten and crossed our minds once in a while... I kept forgetting to go back and say hi... until last week.

It had been 6 years. They remembered us. Its kind of crazy to think that we still do not know each other in real life, but they welcomed us like old friends, saying hey, how are ya, and one line that shall be etched into my mind forever...

"Woaaah. I haven't seen that tag since a headshot since I was what... 17? How's it going?"

Its good to be a gamer.

2009-06-06T03:28:00.001-07:00

the time has come... to plan my move back to colorado springs! will be interesting with jake, katie and kitty cat in the car with me...

2009-04-10T13:55:00.003-07:00

cornbread, sweet tea, and southern fare. i really miss colorado. i guess its also because i know when i am back there it means that i will be back together with paul.

as of today, my donut of misery says that this deployment is 61% over! i can't believe it!! i can NOT wait till i will be flying to colorado with jake to see paul again.

2009-03-05T22:35:00.006-07:00

i am seriously afraid of becoming a parent. i feel like birthing is the easy part. its only for a few hours... but in those few hours my whole life will change. i will be tired. i may feel inadequate when breastfeeding may not go the way i want. i may feel overwhelmed when paul goes back to iraq. i may feel suffocated by my family. i may feel... all of that and maybe much more.

i am so afraid.

i guess i'm afraid because i feel like my family is not there for me, but for jake. obviously i need to be there for jake, but for me to be there for jake, my family needs to be there for me. its a valid point auntie joy had made. yet all i hear from there are, how is jake doing? i'm going to take care of jake because you won't be able to move for two weeks. omg jake is going to be here soon, jake this and jake that. it was funny, but not funny anymore.

am i jealous? yes. i am jealous because when he gets here i KNOW i am probably going to need help... yet i can see it in the conversations that they have with me, that thats not what they are interested in. maybe they are and they are just excited about the new addition. but sorry, the first few weeks all i require of you all is probably to do the laundry and do more laundry because if he is anything like his father i will be feeding him every hour of the day. maybe i will need you to go walk the dog. maybe i will need for you to just leave me alone while i go on a hormonal down trip? how am i supposed to feel ok about asking you to do these things for ME when all you care about is jake jake jake?

thats why i am intent on doing things MY WAY. if its not done MY WAY, it wouldn't be done at all. so don't worry. until you guys decide that you are going to help ME, i will do whatever i want. not what YOU guys want me to do for you.

2009-02-26T21:25:00.003-07:00

more i get closer to birthing and more i talk to people, i find out that there are a lot of misconceptions about a lot of things.

for instance, today paul's mom said, "OH i thought you got a doula because you were going to give birth naturally."

there are 2 kinds, a birth doula (used a lot for unmedicated births but not necessarily only for unmedicated births) and a postpartum doula (breastfeeding support and help adjusting to your new life). doulas aren't for only people who are birthing naturally. they are a good source of information, trained in many different areas of birthing, breastfeeding, and life after birth of a child.

for instance i did not know that 70% of boys are no longer circumcised. i knew that now it was considered a 'cosmetic' procedure, but i was not aware of the fact that not a lot of people choose to do it anymore. my doula was kind of share that information with me, especially because it may interfere with breastfeeding (which she knows it is very important to me).

i have other concerns too but my brain has been fried. brb.

2009-02-22T17:50:00.001-07:00

oo.

i went to the hospital tour today. it feels 'final'. i will be giving birth in the next few weeks. paul will be here, i will be a mom and my life forever changed!

2009-02-14T21:53:00.003-07:00

i wish i was nervous, because i am not... but i am in this weird gray area. i guess i'm not nervous about jake's arrival, i'm nervous that i might hit a snag that i have no control over.

for instance, what if breastfeeding doesn't work like i thought it would?

what if jake is colic?

2009-02-12T10:06:00.001-07:00

now its the waiting game...

waiting for paul to come home.
waiting for jake to be born...

2009-02-07T11:44:00.001-07:00

stay in there kid. i'm not ready for you. LOL.

so if you guys read my baby blog, i am going to be monitored to make sure he is not distressed do to my stubborn blood pressure levels. then it got me thinking... omg he could be born TODAY. am i ready?

2009-02-06T11:13:00.001-07:00

happy birthday my love.

2009-01-31T23:44:00.002-07:00

today was my baby shower. thanks for all the wonderful thoughts and gifts. now it feels weird. the day is almost here. jake will be here.

my mom is still pressing me to move to my grandma's house which i flatly refused. i also introduced her to my doula. i don't know if she was disappointed that i got a doula, but i believed that this is the best way to mediate the whole deal with my parents. i'm kinda sad that i had to put lysa in such a position but i think its for the best. also it helps lysa get her doula certificate.

katie didn't freak out when kaylin was around which eased my mind even MORE. she can ease into her role of big sister. i'm glad that i've been desensitizing her to children.

once i get all of his clothes washed, his co sleeper set up, his pack n play set up and buy his diapers i'm ready!

now nesting has kicked in, all i want to do tomorrow is to clean and get ready. woo.

2009-01-24T21:37:00.003-07:00

9 years.

thats how long we've been together.

thats a long time. :P

supposedly this anniversary is null and void now because i was upgraded from 'girlfriend' status to 'wife'. i could live with that.

hypnobirthing class day 2 and doula meeting

2009-01-20T23:31:00.003-07:00

so through my forgetfulness induced by my pregnancy i finally remembered to call my doula that ellie had recommended. she is also a massage therapist. she is just a trainee so she is a little... 'noobie' (which is seriously the only word i can think of to explain the situation), but she is really nice so i was excited to see her before my hypnobirthing class today.

so we did this crazy exercise called 'glove relaxation'. it was crazy because i didn't know what to expect, yet it worked like it should. it was a exercise were you were 'deepened'. then ellie said some prompts to make your hand 'feel' numb and transfer the numbness to your cheek. my hand indeed felt numb! she does these exercises just to teach us that with the power of the mind that you CAN have a great birthing experience. i was awestruck and i'm even MORE satisfied with the approach i am taking with this birth.

EDIT: whoa, this was so posted on the wrong blog (haha) but i'm keeping it here for some who may not know the existance of my baby blog here: http://babyyoshimoto.blogspot.com

2009-01-20T09:36:00.003-07:00

i'm so emotionally ready for jake to come its not even funny. i don't want to be pregnant anymore, i want to be a momma. a lot of my dreams have been about breastfeeding, holding him, and just my two boys being here with me. of course IDEALLY i need to wait 3 more weeks. i read at 35 weeks the babies born at that time have 99% survival rate.

now am i ready as in... the goods, all the 'stuff' that comes with this? um... no. i am not at all ready for anything. lol. i have a small bag of clothes and thats it. HAHA. i don't even have a car seat... but i want him here sooo bad!

i know jake is not that kind of baby. he's been a good boy, he hasn't caused any problems and with this kind of temperament he's probably thinking, look mom, i'm gonna come out when you are good and ready so get on with it! besides, its comfortable in here!!!

2009-01-18T09:48:00.002-07:00

allergies suck. this weather wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't kicking up dust from the fires and driving me insane. its hard for me to sleep so now i'm falling alseep early... as in 9 pm and i'm not waking up till my usual 8:30.

on the upside, allison mentioned that i should relax in the pool... and i think this weather is perfect.... i may just go do that.

2009-01-09T14:29:00.002-07:00

so it is 63 degrees, and because i am pregnant and been living in colorado for the past year its HOT. i was sweating like crazy at the dog park and almost everyone had jackets on (except a few guys and me... there was even a pregnant lady with a jacket on!). its interesting who weather effects you. before i moved to colorado i definitely would have thought about tying that sweatshirt around my waist when it was 60 degrees. if it was 50 degrees i would have definitely be wearing a sweatshirt and maybe my leather jacket or the heavy jacket paul bought me over that. now, i survive well in the 50s with just a shirt and a sweatshirt. if it hit the 30s, i would wear a long sleeve under the shirt but i'd still be comfortable.

i haven't worn that heave jacket this season yet... :P

2009-01-03T00:43:00.002-07:00

happy new year! i'm a little late but for new years i was running around and i had work today.

yea... i am still at work. some days i feel great, some days i don't. today is one of those days that i didn't want to go to work but once i got there wasn't all that bad. days like this one totally mess with me. i was feeling out of breath and more tired than usual last week so i was thinking that maybe its about time i finally go on maternity leave... but then the out of breathness was just jake sticking his feet in my ribs (so the doctor says) and the tiredness isn't too bad if i sleep in a little bit (so i was almost late to work today) heh.

2008-12-28T13:56:00.003-07:00

1/3 of this deployment is over.

it seems like just yesterday that i was excited for it to be a 1/4 over. in a few months it will be 1/2 way over and then it all goes down hill. :P

i miss you honey.

2008-12-27T23:32:00.004-07:00

food network is evil.

i sleep with the food network on (ok i watch the shows and happen to fall asleep *yay for the sleep timer*)

the most evil part is not only does it make me hungry, it makes me want to cook...

but doesn't necessarily make me want to clean.

2008-12-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

the pie turned out great!

2008-12-25T12:10:00.003-07:00

i love cooking and everything during the holidays, but the funny thing is i don't look forward to it at all. i stress out to the max, i always spend TONs of money because i want the freshest, organic, and the best ingredients out there (yep i go to whole foods for holiday food shopping). for instance i am making apple pie right now. i could have bought frozen crust. i could have made regular crust but NO WAY!!! i am making flaky crust (lol) from scratch. i should be leaving in about 45 minutes, i'm not even dressed, the pie isn't even done, the dog has not been walked, i am a mess from all the cooking i've been doing, i haven't bought the ice cream yet...

but i LOVE it!!!!

and still there is the possibility of the pie coming out yucky lol.

2008-12-24T23:42:00.002-07:00

i LOVE the holidays. i LOVE to keep busy. this is what i did this week:

i baked 2 batches of cookies (peanut butter kiss drop cookies, paula deen's snowflake cookie cut in different shapes, YUM), creme brulee pie (sorta yum), roasted a roast, made a bunch of sides, went out with friends and family, and mainly sad in front of the computer chatting with paul.

unfortunately today was a communication blackout day. of course he wouldn't tell me what it was about and i didn't care to ask. it was good that i was especially busy today because otherwise i would have sat in front of the computer all day... so it all started with pho with paul's dad, julie, and john. lynn came over and we made a creme brulee pie (store was out of heavy cream but we improvised... :P) and paula deen's snowflake sugar cookies, which came out WONDERFUL (i LOVE baking cookies!) between all that i went out to dinner with shyam and jill. gajamoc was fun, it was pretty good although i make okonomiyaki differently at home.

thanks family and friends for making this christmas a good one despite the situation i am in. i am truly blessed!

2008-12-19T09:00:00.002-07:00

wow. there is only a week and a half left till the new year. paul's deployment will already be 1/3 over. in no time he'll be back for R&R, jake would be here and life will move faster.

hopefully.

what's coming up in the next three months

christmas 12/25
new years 1/1
9th 'anniversary' 1/24
my dad's birthday 1/28
jake's baby shower 1/31
paul's birthday 2/6
valentines 2/14
my birthday 2/24
3rd wedding anniversary 3/5
paul's R&R 3/?
jake's arrival 3/?

going to be SOOOO busy!!!!!

2008-12-11T21:58:00.004-07:00

also i should note that the robins brothers is only about 2 blocks away from where i live but the necklace was picked up by fedex, taken to hawthorne, shipped to LAX, back to hawthrone the next morning, and shipped to me three times (because my dad ordered something sent by fedex and there was some confusion) before i got to open it today.

also it was funny how it was packaged. it definitely reminded me of paul because...

ok here it all started!

took forever to open this plastic bag.

another box!!!

er...

finally!

and please continue reading for what was inside of all this packaging!

2008-12-11T20:59:00.005-07:00

it was the first piece of 'real jewelry' i ever got. i think it was for my 24th birthday (i must be getting old!). it was a .15 ct diamond solitaire necklace. it sparkled so beautiful. maybe it was going to be my daughter's (if i ever had one) sweet sixteen birthday present, maybe i would add it to my wedding ring, or maybe i was going to be buried with it. either way i had plans for it....

but i did not plan for it to be lost.

i took the necklace off to shower. i swore it was under the towel. i put it under the towel so it won't fall into the sink. that's the last place i saw it. i thought it had fallen into the sink. i didn't use that sink until my dad came home from japan. the day he came back i made him drain it and see if the necklace was there. it wasn't.

i was devastated. i called paul and cried.

that was 2 years ago.

this came in the mail today.

he special ordered it from iraq. not even a diamond a million carats can signify what this one means to me, especially now. it is now the most precious thing i have (until march of course).

i still haven't worn it. i'm afraid to. i am going to sleep with it tonight. maybe i'll wear it tomorrow. :P

2008-12-10T10:40:00.001-07:00

love from 7600 miles away.

i got a pregnancy pampering package from paul yesterday.

<3

2008-12-08T11:09:00.002-07:00

so people are signing up for the military because of these 'tough' economic times. i don't know if thats a good thing. are these people just joining because they need the money and the healthcare? do they know what this job is all about??

its weird how people have been bashing the military the past few years and yet during tough times they turn to them for money and the benefits. so the past few years we have been an army of those who volunteered at time of war. now its evolving to an army of those who volunteered at a time of economic depression during a time of war. i will be interested to see how the army changes.

in a few years are we going to have unhappy disgruntled soldiers who have fought in the afghan war who joined because 'they needed the money'? paul will soon be the NCO in charge of such soldiers who are coming in (yes, he is working hard to get promoted while in iraq). its a tough road ahead.

2008-12-03T21:32:00.001-07:00

i'm on....

Baghdad time!

well sort of.

he has night shift so his shift matches my time.

2008-12-02T09:14:00.003-07:00

its the small things that can make or break your day.

for instance...

it had been years since i stepped into a vons here in california. yes, years. i don't think i shopped there since grandma mori stopped going to the vons in gardena. i always shopped at ralphs. the other day i went because i couldn't find a ham anywhere. not only did vons have the ham i needed, i had this eerie feeling that i had been there before. i couldn't put my finger on it. i kept going shopped around for some stuff for the post thanksgiving dinner the next day.

then, a realization (as i walked down the frozen aisle no less!). i realized that vons = safeway = colorado = grocery shopping with paul. i almost broke down in a supermarket. i missed him so much and the little everyday things we did.

it also reminded me again about branding, even something like a supermarket. like how i was transported back to california when i went to a target in colorado, i was transported back to colorado when i went to the vons here in california. 1200 miles away yet feels like 'home'. its interesting. i have a feeling i'll be going back there once in a while for that 'colorado' feeling.

2008-11-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

this deployment is 25% over!!!!

YAY!

2008-11-27T08:44:00.002-07:00

i am thankful

for my husband who loves me.

even though we say that we don't have lot to say each other, do you realize we have spent about 100 dollars in phone card minutes already?? thank you for walking to the internet cafe and waiting in line everyday to talk to me. you're the one who has made this deployment so much easier. i love you.

for our little boy.

our little pocket of love. you've already changed our lives so much. you're daddy's 'something to look forward to' at the end of deployment (because mommy is not enough! :P). you are one lucky boy to be loved by someone close and someone so far away.

for my family who supports me.

thanks for being there for me. thanks for the emails and the facebook messages. it does make a difference. i am so glad i came back home.

for the animals.

thanks for keeping me warm/hot during the night and not really complaining when i toss and turn.

for my friends.

i've had and new ones i've made. thanks for calling or texting out of the blue. i know i am VERY bad at keeping in touch...

2008-11-23T17:50:00.002-07:00

so i asked him this morning about the post from yesterday. he is just worried how he would do after leaving the military in 10, 20 years (which means he is going to reenlist again ^^). he loves the military life so much.

2008-11-22T18:53:00.003-07:00

paul told me today that he loves to be in the miltary. he feels like he belongs in it.

then he said... how do i take the military out of me?

then the phone disconnected.

2008-11-21T22:55:00.002-07:00

i get to talk to paul everyday yet my heart gets heavier everyday. i'm starting to get nervous about everything... becoming a parent (a 'single' one at that for 6 months) is the big deal. no matter how much people say that we will be good parents it does scare me. how do i deal with my parents? what if this baby is fussy? what if what if what if. i can't get my thoughts straight at all right now. i am going to go down stairs and mediate and center.

2008-11-13T11:00:00.003-07:00

paul reenlisted.

i am very happy. i am very happy because i am surviving this deployment better than i thought. i am very happy because i know who he was before and after the army. i am very happy because he asked for a year stabilization in colorado (YES!). i am happy because the way the economy is he has a stable job for another 6 years. i am happy because he is going school again as a 35s (signal collector/analyst). i am happy because we have health care.

but the question is... am i really happy?

my feelings inside are mixed. we are going to have kids. how would it affect the kids? i think thats the only big thing. so in a way i guess i am happy until the kiddo comes along.

2008-11-01T20:58:00.001-07:00

http://health.discovery.com/centers/pregnancy/americanbaby/hypnobirth.html

2008-11-01T20:46:00.002-07:00

some people have asked me, are you scared of giving birth? honestly, i am not scared of it at all . the consensus seems to be that all the pain is worth it anyway (which since i want to hypnobirth, it won't matter).

i am more scared about what kind of parent i will be.

yes i will be hypnobirthing no matter what my therapist had said. he told me that hypnobirthing won't work on me because i have trust issues... but i trust hypnobirthing and myself to bring jake into this world calmly as possible. it only makes sense. our bodies are miraculous. labor is for getting my body ready to bring jake into this world. its not painful if you surrender to it. if you fight it it'll fight back because you're not letting it do what it was made to do.

2008-10-30T20:02:00.002-07:00

its been 2 months since he left. i just want to curl up and sleep the rest of the months till march. at which point i won't be doing much of sleeping anymore.

maybe i am a bear... since i'm done hiking its time to hibernate.

2008-10-26T11:31:00.003-07:00

the days are getting slower for sure. the first month went by so fast. now i am lagging everyday seems to get longer even when i have work. maybe its because i haven't heard from him regularly like i usually do. he is in kalsu right now and waiting for a flight back. it can be at anytime. so we are waiting.

i feel bad for paul. everyone is SO happy that he doesn't really have to do much... and because of that he is the most unhappy person in the planet. i feel like thats been his life so far. i hate how i have to explain that to everyone. some people DO like to work, do things and EARN a living. thats why I work, and at work hell yes i work. i don't just sit around and do nothing. i earn my pay by playing with the kids... just like paul wants to earn a living being a soldier, not a piece of blob sittin there dressed like a soilder.

i feel like maybe i am an anchor. what if i didn't come along? what if he did what he wanted to do.... not what he thought would be good for us. what if he did join the marines after high school? well i guess we can't turn back time.

i want to tell him, oh go ahead go out there, be all that you can be (heh). i know he won't.

2008-10-21T09:07:00.002-07:00

i find myself posting more often to the baby blog.

http://babyyoshimoto.blogspot.com

i am never the type to ask people to give me anything. so weddings and baby showers make me very nervous... do people feel obligated to give? do people feel nervous if they can't find anything they can afford on the registry? i am glad that we didn't have a huge wedding with a registry and this and that. some people say that i should have a wedding reception to get gifts, but i don't feel thats necessary at all. paul and i have everything we need or want... each other, a little boy on the way, friends here and there, and of course internet and our own computers. :X

for my birthday i asked everyone to donate to a charity instead of giving a gift to me. i have everything i need, i never really want anything... so i rather have people come to party either way.

so i am stressing about the baby shower... i mean its still quite a ways off but i don't understand the idea of it all. do any of you feel obligated to give a gift? can someone help me out?

2008-10-18T21:53:00.002-07:00

i feel weird. i don't feel pregnant at all. maybe a little tired (i fell asleep at 5:15 today) but other than that sometimes i forget (except the fact that i don't fit in any of my clothes... lol) that i am pregnant! i feel like i'm ready to take on the world....

2008-10-15T22:43:00.002-07:00

vent:

no, i DO NOT want to hear how 'really bad' it is over there because at the moment is not bad at all. don't tell me how it is over there because my husband chose the right MOS.... if you don't know what he does then you don't know how it is in iraq for him. he doesn't have it that bad over there. don't tell me otherwise.

DON'T tell me what you see on the news (which, news stations can suck my balls if i had any). which is BIAS because they need YOU to watch the news. if they reported about how STB is just sitting on their ass until the polish army leaves at the moment, you wouldn't be watching it (which by the way, is only semi true but you get my point).

no, DO NOT want to hear about how life must suck because we are apart. i KNOW what the army life is like and its not as bad as you think. obviously you wouldn't hear anything from people who happen to be HAPPY with the army. its not like they hide the fact that we are going to spend some time apart!! the army DOES have cool programs that you can take part of. its just like nicole's magnet. GET A LIFE. volunteer, find a hobby, make friends, etc. you just need to stop sulking, suck it up and be determined to live the life you have fully.

no, i DO NOT want to hear about how its too bad that he is missing the pregnancy. you guys don't think we thought this through before we decided to have this baby?

goodness sakes, don't take me as a fool.

i am an army wife. thats what i am and thats what i chose to be. don't you feel sorry for me, feel sorry for someone else who didn't CHOOSE the life they are living now (aka people with illness, people who have suffered a loss, people with disabilities, etc.)

i am angry that everyone just has to remind me of all the negative... because thats not how i think, thats not how i want to think so if you don't have anything positive to say to me, please fuck off.

2008-10-07T16:47:00.002-07:00

today i didn't feel well after giving a little bit of blood for a test so i stayed home from work. i realized what a life saver work really is. i sat here for three hours waiting for paul to email me, which seems like he won't today for whatever reason (he needs to use his work email). although i can't reply to him, i love coming home from work to check my email and see if he had sent me something. its so much better than waiting three hours for nothing.

2008-10-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

day at a time.

each day that passes, is another day closer for you to come home.

2008-09-28T15:49:00.002-07:00

its already a month since he left for iraq. its kind of crazy to think about it. i heard that i will all just go down hill from here (doh) and that it'll hit me in a few weeks. i think it already has hit me. i don't think that i would ever be 'normalized'. there will be odd times when he will call, text, or message me. i sit by the computer at a certain time everyday to see if he would message me but he won't. of course he won't because he is in iraq. he is busy doing his job. i am dealing with it.

tomorrow i start work. i am excited to see those kids again. i'm not sure if i would be different. if working with army day care has changed me. these kids are so different. its weird because i did identify with the kids who were at army day care. they identified with me. they cried with me when i told them my husband was deploying just like their dad was. i hugged them when their parents went to NTC because i missed my husband too... but will these children understand if i break down one day because i had not heard from my husband for a week??

2008-09-24T21:37:00.002-07:00

i feel awful. so awful. very bad. reason? i got my prenatal pap, and they drew 2 big vials and 3 little vials of blood (i don't think the blood draw has anything to do with it). its worse than morning sickness. its a nasty yuck feeling in my stomach 24/7 (well, its only been 1 day) but its not going away. i have gas like i did before. very bad gas.

i tried to deal with it. i ate. i drank some grape juice (for the sugar). i'm drinking lots of water. i had some caffeine (which actually helped a lot).

i'm tired again. i want to nap.

i think i'm going to go do just that. but... its 10pm. heh. maybe its just time to go to bed...

2008-09-21T11:02:00.001-07:00

what i miss the most.

his kiss.
his smell.
his touch.

too bad we can't email that back and forth.

2008-09-16T15:11:00.003-07:00

we are so boring!

you're right. paul and i sat at the computer today and we agreed on one thing, that we must be the most boring couple in the world. we are 7000 thousand miles apart and we had nothing really to say each other. no drama, no news, no crazy talk, nothing.

problem is that we are both in limbo. he is stuck in kuwait. he was supposed to ship out to iraq but that has been delayed and he has been doing nothing (he says he will probably be doing nothing in iraq too and i told him then this is good training for him :P). its also hot in kuwait, so even if he wanted to do something i don't think he wants to walk out in the heat. i on the other hand do not have a working vehicle at this time. the truck was leaking oil after the trip so uncle tad is fixing it. i hang out with family, i do my thing (usually go to the farmers market, walk dog in afternoon, walk to starbucks, surf internet, eat, sleep, watch TV, rub belly, play video games...) and that's nothing of news to him. i haven't been emotionally a bent out of shape, baby is doing good so far, and the truth is i feel like its been easier than it should be. again, its only been a couple weeks and it may hit me in a couple months but as of now these last three weeks have felt... weird because i haven't really felt much of what i thought i should be feeling. don't get me wrong, there are some times when i do think of paul because of something. usually its something we did together (farmers market was one), but it came and went away... and i was back there again on saturday.

maybe its because i'm letting myself live and grieve.

2008-09-11T16:29:00.006-07:00

today is 9/11.

seven years ago i was actually sitting right where i am now logging on AOL and seeing the headline about the attacks on the world trade center. i turned on the TV and watched in horror as the new york skyline burned and people were being evacuated.

so much has changed since then... and a lot of my life right now is the way it is because of that fateful day seven years ago. paul is a soldier because of 9/11. i am a military wife because of 9/11. there is a war in iraq because of 9/11. paul is fighting in that war because of 9/11.

how fitting it was to go to my father's naturalization ceremony. i saw more than 6,100 people of all ethnicity embrace the US as their country and take the oath of naturalization. i saw another 6,000+ waiting for the next ceremony. the judge cried. she said that she was glad now that this day can have another meaning for her... 9/11 would be a day she mourned the losses of fellow americans and a day that she celebrated the welcoming of more than 18,000 new americans.

it was very emotional for me. although the reasoning of my father gaining US citizenship is not entirely patriotic, it made me appreciate what i've had all along. it made me think of paul, gloria, and steve. it made me think of why paul joined the army. it made me think of why we made this decision together although it may put him in harms way. it made me even MORE proud of him.

i remember someone saying on a japanese program that the US is the only country where we can go in and visit where the president lives (technically). we can openly protest a war we don't agree with without feeling the pressure to agree with the government. you can start with nothing but have all you hope for with hard work in this country.

this country is so great.

2008-09-09T13:46:00.004-07:00

its kinda funny. it just hit me that we are going to be parents, and i felt a little panicky inside. maybe its because paul is not here but i wondered how i would be as a single parent. *most* people who know *us* would agree *we* would be at least a 7 on a 1-10 scale (hopefully? haha), but what about me... just myself? i often look to paul for reassurance about EVERYTHING. things from what i should eat for lunch (he usually says, whatever you want when i want to know what he wants lol), i reach for his arm when i am hiking down a slippery slope, and i ask his opinion on if i look 'fat' or 'pregnant' (hehe). then i got really sad and stopped thinking about it. its already been 2 weeks since he left. i missed his text at 5am this morning. i wish he would log on to tell me everything will be alright and that he knows that i would be a wonderful mom while he is gone.

2008-09-09T09:11:00.004-07:00

military spouses' murphy's law

when your spouse leaves for a deployment the things that can go wrong, will.

2008-08-31T15:20:00.002-07:00

3 days...

actually it has all gone by fast. i don't know if i am just letting time take me over... i don't have really bad morning sickness anymore...

2008-08-29T03:48:00.002-07:00

so i haven't updated a long time. things have been a little hectic... obviously with the pregnancy and such. yesterday paul left for iraq.

so anyway here is how the day started. obviously i let him sleep in, only to a point because we still had a lot that needed to be done. so around 1030 we went to breakfast. then he gets the call to go to company. so we head on over there.

paul had to go to the ER because he broke the window at the company accidentally. basically that was his last 2 hours in the states as a civilian. he almost missed him TMP but he (we) made it to peterson.

i was at the flight line till the very end. many family members don't even get into the base let alone be allowed to spend time on the flight line. we got there and we were late because of the ER fiasco.... but we happen to get there 3 hours early i mean er... half hour late. the famous line hurry up and wait applied here. we just hung out in the parking lot because i was not allowed in the break room. that was fine with us of course. i think they were trying to get me to leave but since i was the only one there to say good bye because there were only 3 joes leaving from alpha, tova and i just hung out in the parking lot and they couldn't say/do anything about it.

the good bye was good. no one else was feeding my grief and no one was trying to comfort me. i grieved on my own terms. its too bad not everyone gets to do that.

2008-07-20T07:45:00.003-07:00

i have spent hours of my life reading about the interstate highway system on wikipedia.

2008-07-07T20:31:00.004-07:00

wow its been almost 2 months since i posted, there are a lot of things i meant to post but didn't for one reason or another (been busy with summer camp i think thats the biggest reason)

well lemme try for the start...

yes summer camp began which means more hours and very antsy kids. i work for about 6~8 hours compared to the 4 hours i used to (and 2 hours were 'planning' time) so it was a crazy overnight change. it was so bad i had to nap every day ofter work (lol). i got used to it... then...

paul's pre-deployment leave!

first we drove to san francisco. we drove up to wyoming, through utah (across the salt lake), through nevada (made a stop in tahoe), and across california. we dropped steve off in tracy, went to the jelly belly factory, met up with jill in oakland, met up with miko in casa de fruita, then we drove down to los angeles. it was the longest drive i ever been on... a total of 24 hours on the road out of 36. it wasn't all that bad at all seeing friends of old along the way.

a lot of leave was spent with family. then there was the ride home.

i must admit, the I-70 through the rockies must have been the most beautiful stretch of interstate i have ever driven through. it follows the colorado river in a magnificent curb. i fell more in love with colorado.

then i came home to 5 kittens! kitty kat has now been renamed to momma kitty.

2008-05-10T21:12:00.003-07:00

it would have been my first mother's day.

this fucking sucks so bad.

cooking for a grieving mother

2008-05-05T09:14:00.004-07:00

sorry, the spaghetti sauce is a little salty today. i was crying for your daughter.

i didn't know emily. i only met her and her son maybe once or twice. i don't even remember what we really talked about. all i know is that she was a single mom who took care of her little boy. it makes me very sad that she is gone.

all i could do now is cook for you and hope that you will be comforted knowing that emily is in gods hands now. i am sorry i can only do so little, i wish i could do much more.

rest in peace emily.

please enjoy the spaghetti sauce. its the least i can do.

2008-05-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

UGH! its snowing!!!

2008-04-27T21:49:00.001-07:00

OH NOES

2008-04-27T14:27:00.002-07:00

i was shopping at target yesterday and i felt like i was at home back in torrance. i guess thats what branding and corporate identity is all about. i felt really comfortable and almost lost in the experience. it sucked me right in, i felt like my family was only 20 minutes away instead of 2 hours away on a plane. it made me very sad... maybe i'm just psycho. i don't know why all of a sudden i feel homesick. its not like i don't have friends to talk to or places to go... maybe its because paul will be gone for a good length of time, maybe because i feel like i've had enough of colorado springs.

2008-04-26T21:42:00.001-07:00

oh and its prolly what not to wear on TV right there too.

2008-04-26T18:00:00.004-07:00

it has already been a week and a half since he went away again. i can't say when he'll be back because of opsec concerns but i still have a while.... /pout

so anyway, we got our very generous tax return back, so i went to target to find some colorful spring/summer clothes. nashka, ms phyllis, and what not to wear (my latest obsession on TV) has inspired me to actually care about how i look and have taught me about how to put clothes together...

i came home with 3 boxes of baking soda for the fridge/trash can, a pack of original flavor gum, and speed racer legos...

oh and a cool doggie treat cookbook from petco.

um.. but yea, no clothes.

2008-04-21T12:11:00.001-07:00

life would be so much simpler if i didn't want any kids.

*sigh*

2008-04-20T18:53:00.001-07:00

haha lakers are playing the nuggets!

2008-04-19T22:20:00.004-07:00

ahhh yes, it was nice and sunny today. i actually took katie out at 8 am. it was breezy and cool.

paul is at ntc.

loneliness

sometimes its sweet, like dessert after a full meal
sometimes its sour, like raw end to a deal
sometimes its bitter, like losing the race
sometimes its salty, like tears down my face

2008-04-17T09:13:00.003-07:00

when you live in colorado you get the most ridiculous weather. this week started SO nice. it was in the 70's. everyone was getting their summer clothes out, i left home without a sweatshirt for the first time this year. then! THE VERY NEXT DAY the high is supposed to be 55. that is kind of warm in colorado terms. i left to go on an emergency ophthalmologist appointment. nicole was in a tank top too. we were there for only about an hour... then its FREAKING 40 degrees outside.... and seriously it feels like 30's with wind chill. i go to work... in 4 HOURS it is a BLIZZARD outside its wasn't sticking (meaning that it was still above freezing so the roads wern't icy like they can get... just barely ><) but i'm like WTH!!!!

oh and tonight its supposed too hit the high 20's but get this TOMORROW...

the high is...

67!!!

ARG!!!

2008-03-13T08:56:00.002-07:00

i haven't blogged in a while. basically paul is gone again so i just crap out in front of the computer. on top of that i got the 72 hour strep (from getting sick, diagnosed, and on antibiotics). i don't feel that bad but i am contagious and unable to go to work. horray for uber immunity.