the time has come... to plan my move back to colorado springs! will be interesting with jake, katie and kitty cat in the car with me...

cornbread, sweet tea, and southern fare. i really miss colorado. i guess its also because i know when i am back there it means that i will be back together with paul.

as of today, my donut of misery says that this deployment is 61% over! i can't believe it!! i can NOT wait till i will be flying to colorado with jake to see paul again.

i am seriously afraid of becoming a parent. i feel like birthing is the easy part. its only for a few hours... but in those few hours my whole life will change. i will be tired. i may feel inadequate when breastfeeding may not go the way i want. i may feel overwhelmed when paul goes back to iraq. i may feel suffocated by my family. i may feel... all of that and maybe much more.

i am so afraid.

i guess i'm afraid because i feel like my family is not there for me, but for jake. obviously i need to be there for jake, but for me to be there for jake, my family needs to be there for me. its a valid point auntie joy had made. yet all i hear from there are, how is jake doing? i'm going to take care of jake because you won't be able to move for two weeks. omg jake is going to be here soon, jake this and jake that. it was funny, but not funny anymore.


am i jealous? yes. i am jealous because when he gets here i KNOW i am probably going to need help... yet i can see it in the conversations that they have with me, that thats not what they are interested in. maybe they are and they are just excited about the new addition. but sorry, the first few weeks all i require of you all is probably to do the laundry and do more laundry because if he is anything like his father i will be feeding him every hour of the day. maybe i will need you to go walk the dog. maybe i will need for you to just leave me alone while i go on a hormonal down trip? how am i supposed to feel ok about asking you to do these things for ME when all you care about is jake jake jake?

thats why i am intent on doing things MY WAY. if its not done MY WAY, it wouldn't be done at all. so don't worry. until you guys decide that you are going to help ME, i will do whatever i want. not what YOU guys want me to do for you.

more i get closer to birthing and more i talk to people, i find out that there are a lot of misconceptions about a lot of things.

for instance, today paul's mom said, "OH i thought you got a doula because you were going to give birth naturally."

there are 2 kinds, a birth doula (used a lot for unmedicated births but not necessarily only for unmedicated births) and a postpartum doula (breastfeeding support and help adjusting to your new life). doulas aren't for only people who are birthing naturally. they are a good source of information, trained in many different areas of birthing, breastfeeding, and life after birth of a child.

for instance i did not know that 70% of boys are no longer circumcised. i knew that now it was considered a 'cosmetic' procedure, but i was not aware of the fact that not a lot of people choose to do it anymore. my doula was kind of share that information with me, especially because it may interfere with breastfeeding (which she knows it is very important to me).

i have other concerns too but my brain has been fried. brb.

oo.

i went to the hospital tour today. it feels 'final'. i will be giving birth in the next few weeks. paul will be here, i will be a mom and my life forever changed!

i wish i was nervous, because i am not... but i am in this weird gray area. i guess i'm not nervous about jake's arrival, i'm nervous that i might hit a snag that i have no control over.

for instance, what if breastfeeding doesn't work like i thought it would?

what if jake is colic?

now its the waiting game...

waiting for paul to come home.
waiting for jake to be born...